It flashes me all the time again when I hear people turned to Jesus, to my Jesus - my Lord, my Saviour, my friend.
Especially friends from childhood I have prayed for for so long and had chats with and talked about Jesus.
And then, all of the sudden I am long gone and live in a different country and they turn to Jesus out of a deap conviction about the truth of our saviour.The seed you have sown with God's help sprang up.
Right now, I cant get over it. I am sobbing. It brings me back to the scripture: Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy! ( Psalm 126:5)
So many tears I shed, I guess Jesus even more, and I prayed and was wondering: How? Lord, how?
And then, Jesus just turns them around in a second.
He is the only one who can do it.
It breaks my heart again and again
I am so in awe of our saviour.- Oh Lord, You are beautiful, Your face is all I seek.
These are things we can't do, but God can, He can and He will
What were you thinking when you made me? What were you thinking when you put the colour in my eyes???? What did you think when you have given me this crazy mane of hair like a majestic lioness? Or when you have given me this small forehead, which I love? When you gave me the ability to raise my right eye brow? And what the heck did you think when you have given me this short legs and this big feet, honestly? It was a day of fun, wasn't it?
When I look around and see all this beautiful creations I have to laugh: some are stunningly beautiful, others are funny.
Sometimes you find a little funny thing on a gorgeous person like an ear which moved away a few millimeter from the head or one eye which is a bit smaller than the other or it even has a slightly different colour.
It was never that obvious though till I moved to New York City: what a meltin pot of a variety of people it is when you watch them in the subway.
Sitting, standing, chatting, dreaming, starring, with headphones, with I phones, babies, business men, students, homeless. All those people! And they do all look different.
But all those people have come from the same hands and the same heart like I did: same potter- same clay.
They deserve to be loved like I am loved.
Do they know it? Do they search? Did they find yet? Have they already given up?
Do they have the same amount of quick little thoughts in their heads which sometimes run 100 miles/hr like I have?
Random pictures pop up in my head which usually take me on a journey from Mars to the stripes of bees and the amazing weight of a cloudburst, which falls on a lukewarm summer night- in a millisecond.
That is how my brain functions. I don't really understand it, but I roll with it.
I let it go knowing deep in my heart that I am loved abundantly by the potter who only uses one type of clay for all of us.
“Pull back, it is not your business anymore”, she clearly heard the voice inside of her heart who gently tried to push her on a different path, an unknown path which was “less traveled by, but has made all the difference”(sorry mr. robert lee frost). She briefly resisted: it was so easy to just fall into this self pitty again and feel unworthy and not recognized. “But how should people know that it was acutally me to the same time? That I have created the choreograhpy as well? This is not fair!”
“So what do you reckon? Walking around and telling everyone how great you are? Is this, the opinion of others, so important for you? Really?”
“But how shall they know?”
“Don't I see your heart and you satisfy me? Stay humble and I will elevate you in the right timing.”
Sophie fell back on the chair in her room. Her heart was crumbling. Would she stay and wait and trust Him as she usually does?
“Yes, Lord, I trust you.”
“I told you, you run your own race, there is no one in front of you or next to you. It is just you and me. Fix your eyes on the prize and don't give up”
I guess, many times we are so interupted with other people's blessings that we don't see what is in front of us - we have fear of missing out, of not beeing at the right time at the right spot to pick up our little present and reap what eventually others have sown anyway.
But is that the passion which should drive us? Isn't it the satisfaction itself without the reward, without the trophy in the end? The good word of another person? Shouldn't it be the drive inside of us to do things regardless just of the sake of doing them?
I guess when we do it and stay faithful and true to ourselves and we do not depend on other people's comments, we will rise up in our own confidence so much that we know, what we know, what we always have known:
There is only one person in your life ever who knows you by heart and knows your heart altogether. Isn't this amazing?
It's not your partner, your grandma or your parents, your friends, your family or Dr. Hope.
It's the King of Glory who brings out the glory within you - for all to see.
The body moves, the heart follows, the spirit drives.
To have it all, three things moving to the same time in the right direction: awesome!
But this is rare.
We are usually waiting for something: waiting for the husband to come home, waiting for the appointment at the Doctor's, waiting for our friends to decide whether to spend time with us or not.
Waiting for a book to get published,
waiting for an answer to an audition or waiting for
Mr Right to finally enter our life!
Life seems to be a long waiting period- often in stand by mode.
What can we do to change the space inbetween waiting to not just waiting inbetween?
You have done everything you could possibly do? Do you believe you were supposed to do what you have done? And now you wish to see your dreams come to pass?
Then sit back and relax.
Read a good book. Help your mum painting the kitchen, bake some christmas cookies for your friends, visit your grandparents you haven't seen for ages.
Take the dog for a walk in the bush, enjoy the last flowers of the year.
Stretch your face into the sun and let the shafts of sunlight tiggle your nose.
Relax and say: Thank you, Abba, for bringing it to pass! For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it certainly come and will not delay. (Habakkuk 2:3)
Don't get busy with new plans, new dreams, new visions- in case the others don't work out.
Sit in His presence, dwell in Him and listen to His heartbeat and hear His voice whispering:
Generally being wide awake is great, isn't it? You feel like you could rip out trees and you have so much energy to do amazing things outside.
What if you are wide awake and it is 12.30 am and your are supposed to sleep as the alarm clock will go off at 5.30 am regardless?
Not only that pressure rests upon you, its also that: the quintesence is you are still wide awake and you can't sleep, what shall you do?
Everyone else seems to be asleep an you are lying in your bed like a restless lion ready to go hunting.
Nobody in the world seems to share this situation with you. Your body wants to sleep as it needs rest and your mind is going hundred miles an hour. All of the sudden.
Its not the moon, its not too much alcohol which keeps you awake, it's not an important test the other morning which fearfully robs your sleep: it is just what it is. But why?
Is that really important to find out the why in that case?
You try to keep every move silent while you crawl out of your bed where you can't stay any more minute, otherwise you would go insane.
You feel insane already, you feel this dry mouth where your tongue is pressed towards your jaw. Just because.
Why is being wide awake so bad when everyone else is asleep?
Who tells you you are supposed to be one of them and just sleep also?
The night is for sleeping and the day for not being tired!
I get myself downstairs and prepare a nice cup of cocoa. At least it is not 30 Degrees at night, so it feels like kind of christmassy to have some hot chocolate during a summer night to put myself back to sleep. I light up some candles.
The clock is showing 2.10 am and nobody is online!
What happened to my overseas friends? In Sydney it is only noon and I am sitting here in the middle of the night all by myself! What a test, wide awake, if I haven't mentioned that yet.
And the cocoa doesn't do the job anyway. I feel even more awake than before.
“Let's dance, Marla. And enjoy the night!” I hear the voice which excites me everytime.
Why not? I take my Ipod and put music on...and am dancing away in the candle light with my cocoa in one hand...
What a night...I never wanna swap this experience for a good nights sleep ever.
Imagine you could remember your third birthday when you were a little toddler.
You sat there on your little kids seat at the breakfast table and you knew that something is really special today. There was a birthday cake placed in front of you- only for you. It was one of this typical little chocolate cakes, on top of them three lighted candles. With bride eyes you focused on the candles. You were so excited that your skin tickles. You were so innocent and pure like a child is supposed to be. You recognised your parents standing next to the table. They smiled at you. They loved you unconditionally. You knew that deep inside-trust was connected to you inseperable. You didn't even think about it – you knew.
I remember my Birth Day. I was in Sydney. It was 7pm at night.
This little girl in front of this birthday chocolate cake at her third birthday was long hidden or lost - I was not sure what has happened to her.
I see this picture: I stand in front of this door. It belongs to my heart. I sit basically in my heart and I am not sure what to do with it and how to use it. I watch the door handle. It seems to exist only from the inside of the door. Shall I open?
With a childlike faith, a slightly fear, but overflowed by a wave of excitement and nosiness I stand there and I open it. Slowly, curious.
A wave of liquid love hits me and brings me to my knees, face down. With a white glaze of glory I see a word written in the air in front of me: RESTORE!
I saw the breakfast table again. There is this little child- who trusts and know that everything is allright.
I feel like this child again. I trust, I am full of trust. Overflowing in my heart like a river.
I know that I know that I know that I have always known...
“I believe, it will get big, my little Sophie,” my dad looked at me, as often with his head turned a bit to the side, his eyes lifted up. I could see the sadness in them, definitely touched of the unavoidable goodbye, with a little reaction of helplessness, before he turned around one last time to leave, next to my mum, through the milky coloured glass doors of the custom area who separates two lives and worlds in just one second.
It got quiet around me.
These are moments in life who are pure LIFE. Moments who hurt, but who are of endless worth as well.
People, all of us, we hunger to feel, to love to feel love and give it away.
This moment was so rich of feelings, of bittersweet pain.
I think. I wish, there is just one person who believes in me. I remembered a quote of a famous Russian poet:
“You must know how to bear your cross and have faith. I have faith and things don't hurt me so much now” THE SEAGULL
Last week at work I had a beautiful revelation about how we can learn from kids the most basic stuff we once were masters in: PLAYING. Free, timeless, simple, full of creativity, without imagination limits.
I found myself in the middle of a field of grass. It has never been cut and it belongs to a close forrest, located next to the school I work for. It is a huge open space, on two sides surrounded by high trees. My group of eight kids, age 7 to 10, just wanted to pass it to go straight to the animal farm to feet the goats, but this field, with the full and fresh long grass, up to your hip, spoke out an invitation of endless play: LET'S PLAY HIDE AND SEEK!
We did. First I was the one who sought, then, someone else counted. In my responsibility of a leader, I first made sure I got the kids all together, with knowing their hiding place and in the last second, when Halis counted out loud: “Tweenty, I am coming!” I ducked down. I rolled on my back and watched the blue sky. It was 20 Degrees, the sun was shinning bright and warm in my face. Some flies buzzed over my head, one lady bird crawled up in front of my eyes on a blade of grass in front of my eyes. I felt excitement, I smelled the earth from underneath. I felt the slightly fear of my excitement, I knew from my childhood, wondering: Will I be the first one who get caught? Do I already hear the steps of the seeker? I got goosebumps. And I was wondering: When was the last time, I took time to lay down in the middle of a field, relaxing, get aware of my world and the nature around me and see the world from a different perspective? Not only up side down in laying down there on the patch of grass, but also out of the perspective of a child where time does not matter, where the “later” does not matter, where the only important thing is: can I hide myself so well, that I am the last one to find? Without getting a prize? Without getting a lolly or a “Well done, you are the master of Hide and Seek” -titel?
Just for the sake of playing, just for the sake of enjoying the moment. No more, no less. Just the here and now. I got overjoyed, just laying down there and realizing the blessing through my kids in this moment and how precious it is.
Life is so good, so full of surprises and the LITTLE BIG THINGS - if we let it
Everything is more quiet, slower, like in a slight dream. On a sunny Sunday like today, people seem to allow themselves some rest and enjoyable time.They walk their dogs, they take out there kids for a little stroll on the river or to the next icecream cafe and eventuelly they go for a run (to justify the visit in the icecream cafe). There is something in the air like a heavenly peace which lays on peoples backs to tell them: Yes, its ok to have fun today. Its ok to put the work aside along with the worries that usually come with it and to just be.
Just be, just breathe, just look around and see what is around: the birds chirping and welcoming the spring time, the trees flourishing with a deep green colour, various coloured flowers pushed their way through the soil they planted in and breathe the same air like us.
I just went over the Harbour Bridge to North Sydney via train.
On the west side of the train for a couple of seconds, I caught a glimpe of the most beautiful sunset. The sun went down radiating a fiery orange colour where the sky became a surreal pinky warm kind of surreal painting (my mum told me once, when I was a child, when the heavens turn orange the angels are baking cookies).
With the clouds framing the sun it became more surreal. I turned my head to the right side to catch a glimpse of the Opera House and instantly found myself short of breath in that moment: I discovered a striking coloured rainbow, which seemed to come straight from above, like a lighting pole going directly into the opera house.
You can't imagine a more perfect glimpse of an eye than this.
It is one of the moments in life that your heart almost stops and it starts hurting slightly under your ribcage in order to stand this beauty. The kind of beauty which draws you a secret tear from your eyes.
And yes,in this moment, nothing seems out of place. And you feel guided again. Guided by this huge, but gentle power of the God of the Universe who wants to say „Hello, yes, I am here and you are there. I am thinking of you - and yes, trust, just trust.“
